Evolution in Action? Junior Wearing Large Coat Today Didn't Even Feel Hot

Matt Ellton (W '18) got more than a few disapproving or confused looks today on Locust. Dressed in black jeans and a Moncler jacket, Ellton certainly appeared overdressed for such a warm, sunny day. Even his friends were confused by the sartorial choice, asking questions like "Aren't you warm?" and "You don't want to take that coat off, man?" Their queries were met with stoic nonchalance: "Nah, I'm fine."

"I just don't get hot," Ellton told us in an exclusive interview this afternoon. "I can pretty much wear pants all summer if I want to, the temperature really just doesn't bother me. I guess it's just in my blood, I'm 1/16th Spanish."

We spoke to Dr. Amanda Ruy, a professor of evolutionary biology here at Penn. "It's really quite an astounding case," Ruy exclaimed. "Mr. Ellton appears to possess an extraordinary resistance to heat, presumably the result of some genetic mutation. His DNA may prove very useful to the fields of evolutionary biology and genetic biology. It is possible that Mr. Ellton is one of the first of a new set of evolved humans, capable of survival in higher temperatures than most of us. This may be a highly desirable trait as global warming heats our planet."

Ellton agreed with Dr. Ruy's assessment, saying that he had long assumed that he had evolved to be better than others. "Not only can I wear winter clothes in the summer," he said, visibly sweaty and uncomfortable in his down jacket, "but I can also wear summer clothes in the winter. Like, I'm pretty comfortable in shorts and a hoodie in January. I think the weather just doesn't bother me."

A lone dissident, Ellton's mother, begged to differ. "Evolution? Please. My son is just too lazy to dress for the weather. All winter I used to tell him 'Put a sweater on!' but he never listens. Did he tell you about the time he almost got frostbite wearing flip flops in February? Or the time he went to the hospital for a heat stroke wearing an insulated sweatsuit in August? Of course he didn't. He wakes up too late to check the weather and just runs out of his house."

At press time Ellton had not responded to his mother's comments, nor to her recent phone calls.