Amy Gutmann Announces Task Force to Stop ISIS

When Penn students read "task force", many groan. Task forces in the past have been accused of being intended more to placate the student body than to create change. The task force announced in the wake of the Oz emails, for example, was met with skepticism and took some three months to even outline its goals and plans. Task forces on mental health have faced their fair share of criticism as well, while other task forces like those dealing with Greek life appear to have simply been forgotten.

Despite all this, the administration does not appear to be deterred from its most ambitious task force yet.

For the past six years government analysts, foreign policy experts, and military specialists have worked tirelessly to craft a solution to stop one of the biggest geopolitical issues of our time: the spread of ISIS. Repeatedly these experts have tried and failed in their feeble, simple-minded attempts to stop the group. Finally, however, a promising and lasting strategy appears to be within reach: a task force.

University of Pennsylvania President Amy Gutmann has reportedly finalized the membership of a prestigious task force that she will use to stop the spread of ISIS. This plan, which involves announcing the names of a handful of Penn students and faculty members and having them meet once a month, will reportedly serve as the university’s primary mechanism for stopping this dangerous terrorist organization.

The task force was not Gutmann’s first idea. “The first option we thought was of course to kick ISIS off campus but, since they’re in Iraq, we decided that wasn't a viable option,” Gutmann remarked. “Then, we went and warned all students’ parents of these dangerous off-campus terrorist organizations. But none of them seemed to really listen, given that, you know, Penn isn’t in Iraq and that they already knew ISIS was bad. So then we had to go with our third and most effective option... the task force.”

Gutmann’s ingenious plan has garnered massive support and backing from numerous world leaders, including German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “It is truly incredible how Gutmann was able to craft such a well thought-out, nuanced, creative solution to this complex issue,” said Merkel. “Drone strikes and boots on the ground are dated tactics, frankly, but a task force… now that’s pure ingenuity.”

The task force will be helmed by College junior Connor Mark, who took one Middle Eastern Foreign Policy class back in his freshman year and is therefore an expert in the field. Other notable members of the task force include one of Penn’s 74 Vice Provosts, the guy in the Quaker suit, and Penn’s most reliable news expert — the guy who hands out the DP on the compass.

Given that creating a task force is known to be the most intuitive and effective solution to any serious issue, it is surprising that Gutmann was the first to craft this brilliant proposal. Organizations like the UN and NATO have already expressed interest in hiring Gutmann for roles in their respective strategic operations departments, due to her brilliant problem-solving capabilities. 

We spoke to Connor Mark, one of the students on the task force, who said he was excited to get to work. "I can't wait to defeat ISIS," Mark said. "That's going to look fantastic on my resume."