Penn Researchers Develop Drug That Recreates Feeling of Receiving a Green Light in Both Directions When Crossing the Street

Penn spends over $900 million on research annually, and it looks like it’s finally starting to pay off. Researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine have developed a pill that, when taken, causes the user to experience a euphoria almost identical to that of crossing the street and receiving a green light in both directions.

“We were originally developing a more effective pain medication for cancer patients, but decided that this was more important,” says lead researcher Edward Scienceman. “The benefits of this drug cannot be overstated.”

Reportedly, demand for this drug has been high for decades. Literature dating back to the 60s shows a previous attempt to synthesize the appropriate compound, but researchers failed and ended up settling for a more general solution, LSD. With this new, more specific drug, people who have been dropping acid for years can avoid all of the miscellaneous and irrelevant effects of LSD.

"It was Woodstock. 1969," recounts trial-user Phil Lesh. "A buddy and I went to a local store to pick up some milk, and on our way we received a green light in both directions while crossing the street. The experience enlightened me; it allowed me to experience the purest and most fundamental form of joy. I needed to feel it again. So, I turned to LSD."

Lesh says he hadn't felt the same way again until trying the new drug.

Penn is looking to market the drug to a wide base, including students and any person capable of feeling happiness. Possible side effects include tricking the user into thinking he or she falsely has a green light and upsetting people who inexplicably drive in the city.