Protests Erupt Across Campus After University Replaces All Leavened Bread With Matzo

Late on Tuesday night, the University of Pennsylvania quietly removed all of its leavened, non-kosher-for-Passover breadstuffs from any university-operated restaurants and dining halls. Bread for sandwiches, toast, and French toast disappeared. Brioche and baguette alike, all leavened bread was taken to a secure location and destroyed. All were replaced with matzo.

Students eventually became aware of the change throughout the morning of Wednesday, April 12th. One student was shocked to find a charred, egg-soaked sheet of matzo in the place of her French toast. Another student purchased a sandwich at Bridge Café, only to realize that the bread for the sandwich was two thin pieces of matzo, hardly enough to structurally support a sandwich. The Penn community quickly grew frustrated.

Protests began around 1 pm in front of College Hall, and included both students and faculty members. It seems that about half of the demonstrators were just upset that their tortas from Frontera were made on matzo, which could not stand up to the grilling process and ended up crushed into puzzle piece-sized bits on either side of the ingredients. This, according to protestors, made the sandwich difficult to eat. "Just use normal bread, please," one sign read.

A handful of protestors opposed the policy on ideological grounds, as it seems to be forcing the religious rituals of one group at Penn upon everyone, but most had other reasons. A significant number of Wharton students were demonstrating in favor of bread, with signs that read "I love bread" and "I'm only here to make bread". The Penn Baking Association was out in full force, as this was the first protest relevant to their goals and identity.

Surprisingly, there were a number of Jewish students demonstrating against matzo too. "It's not good. Let's just be honest," a protestor told us on the condition of anonymity so his mom won't see this. "This is like if they replaced all the bread with saltines, except not as salty. Who has ever eaten a saltine and been like, this needs to be less salty? Nobody."

Others took issue with the saltine comparison, but agreed with the sentiment. "I don't know if saltines are the closest cracker to matzo, really," argued College junior Matthew Gould. "It's still bad, though, and I feel like God won't be that mad if we just eat bread."

Those involved in the protest were careful to note that their opposition to the university's only-matzo-during-Passover policy had nothing to do with Judaism. One Engineering student told us: "I'd be just as mad if they did this with the Christian cracker thing, like the body of Christ or whatever, you know? It's just weird to make everyone eat this instead of bread. I'm pretty sure the Jewish people fleeing Egypt ate this because they had to. We don't have to. Like, I'm not even Jewish."

The administration has yet to officially respond as protests continue, including a March Against Matzo around campus. While students demand that the leavened breadstuffs be returned to Penn dining facilities immediately, an unnamed source indicates that Penn has a trick up its sleeve that will win over the community: matzo pizza.