Jesus Rises for Easter Brunch

If you thought Jesus resurrected for the possibility of eternal life, you’re wrong. He resurrected from his green tea shots-induced hangover on this divine Easter morning, just like you, to carb-load and satisfy his greasy food cravings.

You were one of the lucky few to snag a Parc reservation three weeks ago as visions of their French onion soup (read: bowl of hot cheese) danced in your head. As you and your friends were munching on pastries more heavenly than the afterlife you just tried praying for during your last church visit since Christmas, you looked over and saw Him.

At first you thought you were imagining things, because this wouldn’t be the first time you had the hangover hallucinations. But then you saw it. Jesus Christ, the son of God who takes away the sins of the world, touched a lone croissant, and suddenly his pastry basket was full again! Then, with a swift flick of the wrist, he turned water into mimosas.

You continue the meal with your friends, trying to hide your weekly Sunday morning sweats and shakes, sneaking peeks at J.C. the whole time. At one point you could’ve sworn he encouraged the other members of his party to brush their forks against his arm before their rare steak frites.

You’re signing the check and getting ready to head back for your mid-afternoon nap as you see a full head of brown curls and a pair of Birkenstocks walk away. Suddenly, your armpits are dry, your head stops pounding, and you are nausea-free. Your doozy of a hangover is gone!

You glance over to the entrance to see Jesus look back and wink at you. You’re thankful you made the decision to forego Sabrina’s and decide you might go to church a bit more often than ChEaster.