Apparently, Only 64.5% of Penn Students Hate the Dining Plan

According to the DP, a student survey found that 64.5% of Penn students are unsatisfied with the dining plan. This number came as a shock to many. How can less than two-thirds of the student body hate the meal plan? Where are the other 35.5%? Are they all hiding in Commons at this very moment, knowing that they are safe from the haters because no one would voluntarily eat there?

We surveyed all 10,000 undergrads and found the three students who appeared to enjoy the dining plan.

First, we spoke to Isabelle Chen (C '20), who immediately shared with us that she is pre-vet. "I love animals," she stated. "It makes my day when I see a mouse scamper by my feet or a cockroach dashing across my watery eggs after I sit down for breakfast."

"I have a really sensitive palette, you know," said rising senior Eric Carter, who is still on the dining plan. "I can't eat anything that's seasoned, which is why eating at the dining halls is perfect for me."

Later, we talked to Jacob Zidel (W '19). "I eat three sushi bowls a day. First, I have a chicken teriyaki bowl, also known as a brown bowl. Then, I have a spicy salmon bowl. Finally, I have another spicy salmon bowl. I'd probably feel guilty about it if I was using real money, but I don't because my parents already paid for it! I don't feel completely ripped off at all!"

When we asked the Head Chef and Exterminator of Penn Dining for comment, all she could tell us was "I plead the fifth."