Penn Security Discovers Trump Hiding in Bushes During Alumni Weekend

This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.

In other news, Penn Security officers were alerted to the presence of the President of the United States, Donald Trump (W ’68 (maybe)), who concealed himself in some bushes during the alumni picnic. Sources say Trump was attempting to avoid questions from former classmates regarding his campaign’s possible connections to the Russian government, and was also fearful some would dispute his reported 7.80 GPA.

So why did the President (of the United States) even attend Alumni Weekend?

"I went to Wharton, a very smart school, and it was great, so smart..." Trump tweeted after the event. "...We have buildings, we have books, and, you know, we have alumni, who are my people."

The head of security for alumni weekend reports that attendees became nervous when they saw members of the secret service crowding around bushes on College Green. It appears that the men were simply guarding President Trump while he crouched in the bushes, not yet ready to confront his peers. 

"I don't really care that he was here," said every alumnus we reached out to for comment. "Where is Joe Biden? He went here, right?" they all asked.