Everything You Need to Know About Move-In

For new students, move-in can be overwhelming. Unloading the stuffed car, navigating the Quad, meeting your new roommate... all in the immense humidity of August in Philadelphia. As the big day approaches, here's everything you need to know about move-in to make it a little less difficult.

Leave the IBM Electronic Data Processing Machine type 704 at home. While your 1950s computer is an important piece of history, responsible for various technological milestones, it has no place in a modern college dorm. It won't fit in the room, and it can't access LinkedIn.

When you arrive, someone will tell you where to park. Don't listen to them, it's a test. Regular kids follow instructions from people in neon t-shirts. Penn kids break the mold, and park in the middle of the street. If you park where they tell you to, a tow truck comes and takes your car all the way to Ithaca, and you have to attend Cornell.

Amy Gutmann will meet you by your car and help carry things into your room. She looks small, but she's extremely strong. If you ask, she'll even stay with you for as long as it takes for you to get settled. It's the start of a close, meaningful relationship between Gutmann and the student body. 

Hot plates are banned in your room, but you can have a Weber Charcoal Grill. Hot plates in dorms are considered a fire hazard but, due to an endorsement deal, the University specifically allows charcoal grills in rooms as long as they're made by Weber, the world's premier manufacturer of charcoal, gas, and electric grills, and grilling accessories.

If you and your roommate are fighting over the better bed location, produce a saw and threaten to cut the contested bed in half. Like King Solomon recognized in the Hebrew Bible, when two women fought over a child, many people would rather drop their claim to something than see that which they covet destroyed. If your roommate doesn't give in, cut the bed in half.

Your new room is sovereign territory. No one, not even the United States government, can enter against your will without committing an act of war. 

Roommates see each other naked sooner or later-- better to get it over with early. Instead of accidentally seeing your roommate's nakedness one night after a shower, strip as soon as you meet one another. Stare at your roommate from a few feet away, your eyes exploring the exquisite lines of their body, returning every so often to meet their knowing gaze. Then, put your clothes on and talk about how crazy it is that you both like Game of Thrones. What are the odds?

This is the twenty-fourth annual move-in. Until 1994, students didn't move-in; they just woke up on their first day of school already in their rooms. In many ways, it was a simpler time. 

Before you can go to the dining hall or explore campus, you have to convert to Judaism. Sorry, them's the rules. It's not that bad, as long as you're already circumcised.