OP-ED: What's Up, I Know Jack. Can I Get Into Your Party?

Hey dude, how's it going? Me and four of my friends are here on our first night of NSO, looking to have a good time. You mind if we go in?

Oh, I get that it's awfully full, but I know Jack. You know Jack? I think he's in this frat. He's inside, he said to come on in. Uh, he's probably about 5'10". Is that an average height? He's a pretty average height, I think, but he could also be kind of tall or kind of short, I don't really remember because last time I saw him he was sitting down.

You know, Jack! He's either a sophomore or a junior now. You know what, he could be a senior at this point. He's pretty pale but he also might be a bit darker, more olive skinned, I think it really depends on the light. He knows who I am, we're friends from back in the day. We went to the same highschool. Yep... wherever Jack went to highschool is where I went, too. 

I get it, I get it, you aren't letting anybody in. But Jack-- oh, it might be John, actually. I think he went by Jack in highschool but that's short for John, maybe he goes by John with you guys? Johnathan? Jonathan with no H? Joe? His middle name is Joe, he might go by that. 

Come on man, I just sent him a text and we're Facebook friends. I can't show you the text or my friends list because my phone died while we've been talking, just seconds ago, but you gotta trust me on this one.

Specifics about Jack, let me think, uh... this dude loves wearing shirts. Like, if you run into him on the street? He's wearing a shirt. You already know! Except when he goes swimming or takes a shower, then he takes his shirt off like a normal person. I guess if it's hot out or if he's just feeling like it he might pop the shirt, but usually this guy's chest is covered.

I can tell you what he's not like. He doesn't have any extra limbs and he definitely isn't House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. He's never been to Coachella. Or, maybe he has in the last ten years. But before that, he had definitely never been to Coachella. He's not named Bryan, unless there's a Bryan in this frat. Is there?

There's no one named Jack, John, or Joe in this frat? No Bryan either? Alright, I'll come back in ten minutes.