Former High School Valedictorian Confused That She Sucks at Studying Now

Karen Cooper (C '19) was a truly excellent student in high school, even if she only got into the College. She was the kid that made a set of flashcards on Quizlet before every quiz and test, and shared them with the whole class. What a baller. It was no surprise that Cooper graduated at the top of her class– suck it, Tommy Finnegan (just kidding, how's Cornell going?).

But now that Cooper is in college, she's lost her touch. Instead of focusing on her work, she halfheartedly glances at her readings, taking breaks to scroll through Facebook, murmuring "that squirrel page isn't what it used to be." So, we asked Cooper what's up.

"Honestly, I don't know how I was so much better at studying before! I used to like school. Midterms were no thing to me when they were once a year," she confessed. 

"But yeah, I kind of have the attention span of a small rodent. So far this semester, I've already bought shoes, a water bottle, makeup, a knife, a crowbar, duct tape, bleach, and some granola bars on Amazon during my 8am math recitation," Cooper eagerly informed our correspondent.

"It's okay that I'm terrible at studying, I guess," said Cooper. "I will just spend the next two years feeling perpetually guilty for procrastinating, and then doing all my work at the last minute."