Unicycle Rider Finds Loophole to University Bike Policy

When Harry Riley (SEAS’19) moved off campus, he immediately bought a new bicycle. Although the main reason for Riley’s purchase was because his friends were really tired of hearing how long his trek from 41st and Spruce to the Engineering Quad is, he also wanted everyone to see how cool his hair could look blowing in the wind.

“I have really long, luscious hair and I’ve always wondered just how magnificent it would look as I flew countercurrent to the High Rise wind tunnel. It’s always been a dream of mine,” said Riley.

Riley, known equally amongst his friends for his ridiculous whims and for his negligence, had failed to read the University’s policy on bikes. As of 2014, the official Penn bicycle policy is that bicycles must be walked on campus pedestrian pathways between 8:30 am and 5:30 pm Monday through Friday and during other periods of heavy pedestrian traffic. 

“After I learned about that, I was so devastated. No one wants to see my limp hair walking parallel to a bike,” said the Engineering junior. 

But then, he found a loophole. “I realized that unicycles weren’t explicitly mentioned in the policy, so I bought one from Amazon. It took a while to get the hang of it, but now I ride that one-wheeled monster all over campus any time I want, regardless of pedestrian traffic. People think it's really cool, they're always pointing at me and shouting.” 

When we asked others for their opinions on Riley’s unicycle, one student asked, “Is that the kid with the beautiful mop of hair? I saw him run over at least six students on Locust the other day. He looked really good.”