Amazon@Penn Sees 5000% Increase in Adult Onesie Returns

In the midst of celebrating its victory lap across America as cities like Philadelphia grovel for the honor of replacing entire neighborhoods with warehouses full of toilet paper, it looks like the world’s biggest e-Commerce site is taking at least one L this Halloween season.

In a turn of events that’s sure to shake fans of the free market economy to their cores, Penn students everywhere are abusing Amazon’s free return policy in an attempt to absolve themselves of the social crime of ever owning an adult onesie.

Just 48 hours earlier those students felt like debutantes, accepting compliments left and right while sporting quirky cheetah-print, dinosaur, and puppy onesies at Halloween parties across campus. On Sunday morning they stood, shamefaced, in a line extending from Amazon@Penn’s entrance to the Tampons, avoiding eye contact while clutching the tattered packages that contained their suddenly-useless purchases.

“I’ve never gotten that many compliments on a Halloween costume before, but honestly it was a big waste of money,” Caleb Barnes (C ‘19) recounted to UTB while waiting in line to return the squirrel onesie he’d bought on Amazon for 39 real US dollars. “I literally can never put this thing on ever again. If I wore it to bed I’d feel like a 5 year old, if I start wearing it around the house my roommates would just call me a furry all day, and God forbid I ever even thought about wearing it to class.”

Amazon's options are limited when it comes to processing these returns. The industry for used adult onesies is as lucrative a market as it is a lewd one, and Amazon might not be able to afford damaging their wholesome brand by selling such a sketchy product. At press time an Amazon@Penn employee could be seen hurling piles of multicolored fabric into a roaring bonfire behind Commons, but the fate of all of those onesies cannot be confirmed. It’s a real shame to see that Halloweekend has hallo-weakened Amazon’s quarterly earnings.