Wow: 80% of University Funds Allocated to Maintenance of Hologram Amy Gutmann

2017 was not a good year for Quakers' wallets. For the eighth consecutive year in a row, the University Board of Trustees voted to increase tuition by 3.9%, angering and upsetting many students. Fees for the 2017-2018 academic year now total to $68,610, a sizable increase from last year's $66,000. Julia Rothberg (CAS '18) expressed her disapproval: "Penn is already expensive as is; I just don't understand why new excuses come up every year for such ridiculously steep increases. My family is already struggling to pay off my brother's loans, and he graduated five years ago. Where is this money even going?"

Rothberg raises a concern shared by many. Of 5,212 students polled, 77% felt that the university was not being transparent enough in its allocation of funds. An internal investigation soon revealed a shocking truth: 80% of university money (including the nearly 11-billion dollar endowment) is being used for the routine maintenance of Amy Gutmann, Penn President and hologram.

Yes, hologram.

While widely believed to be a flesh-and-blood, entirely human administrator, university records prove that Gutmann is, in fact, a hologram. Like the Tupac hologram, which made a one-night appearance at Coachella in 2014 at an estimated expense of $100,000-$400,000 (the exact amount was never disclosed), Gutmann is but a mere conglomeration of intersecting light beams combined with a backing track to simulate speech. Shocking!

Though this news may come as a surprise to many, it does answer some questions students have had over the years. Andrew Berg (W '19) says, "Yeah, I'd definitely heard some of the standard rumors, like that Amy Gutmann is three toddlers standing on each others' shoulders, or that Amy Gutmann is just fast-moving swarm of bees. This hologram stuff does make a lot of sense, though. I guess it would take a hell of a lot of money to keep up such a convincing one. I no longer feel that bad about making my family pay two-thirds of their yearly income to support my education. Anyway, this explains the time that I accidentally tossed a football in her direction and it went right through her." 

The School of Engineering and Applied Sciences says they can configure an official statement from Gutmann in two weeks.