Breaking: Freshman Realizes He's Been Sitting on Toilet Wrong His Whole Life

Tom Camps (C '21) came to a startling realization this past Monday.

Tom has spent his whole life perching on the bare rim of the toilet, believing that the seat was just an odd accessory for women and children. Years of watching "situation comedies" where older men griped to their much more attractive wives about "having to put down the toilet seat" didn't raise any questions in his mind, but instead just served to reinforce his belief in his delicate balancing technique. 

His life came crashing down this very week when he discovered toilet seat covers in the Sixth Floor Bathroom in Van Pelt. His short break from leisurely reading (Freud, of course) while looking over College Green turned into an entire afternoon of questioning his entire life, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. He spent the time discovering the simultaneous beauty and terror of pooping sitting down. 

"I finally understand how people spend so much time on their phones," he commented thoughtfully.