Frat House Crumbles After Partygoer Stealthily Nabs Crucial Structural Element

For freshman and upperclassmen alike, open fraternity events provide a unique opportunity to steal valuable items, such as toothpaste, wall decorations, a handle of cheap vodka, or crackers from the kitchen cabinet. The experience leaves them with an adrenaline rush, an inexplicable sense of fulfillment, and zero guilt about stealing from people, somehow. This past weekend, however, someone took the activity to its extreme.

The residence of local fraternity Omega Phi Upsilon Kappa suffered a total collapse after a partygoer wrestled a support beam from the basement ceiling at an event Saturday night. All attendees were able to escape physically unharmed, but the chapter house is in ruins.

"They really screwed us over here," said fraternity brother and Wharton sophomore Bush Reilly. "The whole house came down. It'll be at least a week before we throw another party."

Authorities are investigating the situation, but say there's not much they can do to punish the fraternity for hosting an unregistered event as no evidence remains of the party. "We're searching the premises now for an empty beer bottle, a red solo cup— anything we can use, really," said the chief of Penn Police.

Meanwhile, the perpetrator of the heist is enjoying his newly stabilized dorm room in the quad.