OP-ED: Joining LinkedIn Ruined My Life

It all started out so innocently. It was freshman year; everyone was doing it. One night I finally gave in. “It was going to happen at some point,” I remember telling my friends. “It’s no big deal, guys.” And at first, it wasn’t. I copied and pasted in my resume and never gave it a second thought—until one day I logged in and saw it:

“INTERMEDIATE STRENGTH PROFILE”

Intermediate strength?! I go to THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA; no one tells me I’m mediocre. So I started connecting. I connected once, twice, three times a day—anything to get that rush of expanding my network. I stopped going to class; I stopped eating; I stopped sleeping. No time for that until I reached 500+.

I noticed the senior who sat across from me in my Marketing 101 recitation had way more skills listed than me, so I added more: “Public Speaking,” “Adobe Creative Suite,” “Microsoft Office,” “English (UK).” Call me out, I dare you.

I don’t waste my energy introducing myself to others anymore. Anything and everything you need to know about me is right there in my introductory statement. Let’s talk after you’ve endorsed my skills in Leadership and Communication.

People have tried to help, but I’m in too deep. I don’t do anything unless I can add it to my profile. Intervention? Try spinning that into a meaningful work experience. No thanks. I wouldn’t even consider writing this article until I realized it would make me a PUBLISHED AUTHOR. Feel free to check out my other publications, like my Literature Review from writing sem.

Maybe I have a problem. I just wanted to build my professional network, but now my mom won’t answer my calls because of my repeated requests for her to endorse my skill in Puberty. It started out with a click, how did it end up like this?

I should have just done crack.