​Overworked Rodin Fire Alarm in Desperate Need of a Raise

You may have heard that once again, Rodin had a fire alarm go off in the middle of the night. For Rodin residents, this certainly was an annoying an unfortunate event. But the story the mainstream media hasn’t told you? The fire alarms themselves — they’re overworked, underpaid and in need of a higher quality of life.

We spoke to Louis the Fire Alarm, who currently resides in the 17th stairwell of Rodin College House.

“The hours are ridiculous. When I signed up for the job, I was told there would be a fire drill twice a year, maybe. But nothing like this!” said Louis. “Now, I have to be on the clock at 2 a.m., just in case some dingleberries from the fifth floor decide to fuck around with a fire extinguisher!”

It’s clear that the Penn administration has little appreciation for the hard work that these devices perform. “Last year — get this — I was called into work after some 13th floor hooligans hung towels on the sprinklers and set them off! I was in the trenches during the Great Rodin Flood of 2016. But do I get any recognition for my hundreds of hours of service?” Louis exclaimed. “No, I don’t,” he sighed, looking rather defeated for a fire alarm.

“Honestly, the number of times I have had to sound my alarm in the past year alone is absurd,” Louis said, clearly appearing tired and sore. “I deserve a raise — I have a wife and kids to support!”

Sources say Louis is in the process of creating a Fire Alarm Union in an attempt to fight for fair wages. Alarms from all three high rises and Hill College House have pledged to join.