Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor

As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.

Reports indicate that the Penn Mathematics Department has just made the fatal error of hiring Professor Robert Philip, a distinguished Nobel Laureate and MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient. Despite having received his Master’s from MIT and PhD from Stanford, Phillip is a native English speaker— an unfortunate characteristic that sets him apart for all the wrong reasons.

“We apologize sincerely for this inexcusable mistake,” said a spokesperson from the Penn Mathematics Department. “We like to conduct a thorough background check of all prospective professors to ensure that they are able to confuse the hell out of their students in lecture. Somehow, Professor Philip slipped through the cracks.”

Students were awestruck and infuriated by this shocking hiring decision.“How the hell am I supposed to struggle in all of my math classes if I can actually understand what the professor is saying?” exclaimed College sophomore Rick Lee. “Now I won’t get to enjoy the simple pleasures of watching Khan Academy videos and re-reading the textbook 100 times.”