St. Mary's Church Kicked off Campus After Unregistered Communion

Uh-oh! St. Mary's Church on Locust Walk found itself in big trouble this weekend after it tried to host an illegal event right under the University's nose.

At the church’s illicit party Sunday morning, alcoholic beverages were served despite the fact that the church made no attempt to submit paperwork 10 days before, or at all prior to the event. As a clear violation of the Common Sense guidelines outlined by the Task Force, Penn Police was left no choice but to shut the pandemonium down. Over 100 students were cited for Underage Consumption of Alcohol, and Head Priest James Laske is facing charges for Furnishing Alcohol to Minors, a class A misdemeanor.

Ted Newman, an Event Observer, asserted that “the actions of St. Mary's this weekend are unforgivable.” Following the event's shutdown, the University was left with no choice but to kick the church off campus, where it will join the ranks of similar Greco-Roman organizations.

When reached for comment, Head Priest Laske stated that he willed for “grace, forgiveness, and presence of our Lord and Savior”, and that the Task Force “is some bullshit”. He remains optimistic about the future of the church, stating that the church will be able to host much better events without the iron fist of the University.