Sophomore Busted For Possession After Making Venmo Caption: "Drugs"

Eric Shuster (C '20) was standing at the corner of 39th and Walnut, waiting to receive a small Ziploc bag filled with drugs, when he realized that he was in a predicament. While he made his simple, secure, and practically fun exchange of mobile currency for narcotics, Shuster wondered: what would he make his Venmo caption?

His hand hovered over the pay button as he contemplated whether “the devil’s lettuce” or “jazz cigarette” would look cooler to his friends from back home who went to University of Michigan and know what a tailgate is. 

“That’s when I realized how dumb I was being. Weed euphemisms are too ambiguous. I need to be certain that people know that I do drugs now,” said Shuster. He ultimately decided to caption the interaction “drugs”, so that there was “no room for confusion.”

Before anyone could like the payment, cop cars surrounded Shuster from all angles and a helicopter appeared overhead. Men in bulletproof vests charged the sophomore as FBI agents radioed in from D.C. Even members of Penn Police joined in, with some demanding that Shuster hand over the leftover mac and cheese in his backpack before his arrest. 

While being read his Miranda rights, Shuster could be heard asking policemen if they thought his Venmo caption was “relatable and funny”.