Selfless Student Fails Random Classes’ Midterms to Improve their Curves

It’s hard to find real heroes in today’s world. While the rest of us can barely spare the time to help out a fellow Quaker, James Kaplan (W ’19) is out there fighting the good fight.

“It’s midterm season; everyone’s stressed,” the modern day Gandhi related to us. “I just wanted to help out.”

Kaplan goes above and beyond the call of academic duty by finding out which classes are having midterms on any given day, and purposely taking and failing every single one of these tests. By selflessly lowering midterm averages across campus, Kaplan hopes to improve the curve for everyone.

We met up with this warrior for the oppressed yesterday as he sprinted from Annenberg to DRL.

“I just came out of a Communications 001 midterm. At least I think it was Communications. Might have been Psych? I dunno. Lots of fancy words.” panted Kaplan. “Anyhow, I’m off to save some third year PhD students from their Quantum Field Theory exam. Catch you later.”

When we reached out to the grad students who’ve had to grade Kaplan’s exams, responses fell a bit short of exuberant. One anonymous grader notified us that she had “used up her entire stash of red pens grading that idiot’s midterms.”

At press time, UTB was notified that Kaplan had been run out of campus by an angry mob of premeds following an organic chemistry midterm.

“I didn’t mean to get the highest score” Kaplan blubbered to us from an undisclosed location, “I just drew random squiggles all over the pages. How was I supposed to know?”

It’s okay James. Failing to fail is just part of life.