We’re Finally Getting Softer Fucking Toilet Paper

Buttholes everywhere rejoice.

On Wednesday, a university spokesperson announced a massive budget of $400 million entirely for the purpose of providing campus bathrooms with premium 5-ply toilet paper. The directive, he stated, came directly from President Amy Gutmann and is to be “effective immediately.”

“University policy is carried down through tradition and with great pride. However, it has recently come to our attention that the founders of our university left us with an inscribed stone tablet. The tablet contains policy guidelines--some of which I cannot share with the public at the moment--that will shape the way in which this administration will handle certain topics moving forward. What I can guarantee to you, however, is that the toilet paper budget is of utmost importance, as dictated by the tablet.”

The new budget, which nearly doubles Penn’s annual allocation for financial aid, is predicted to have dramatic benefits for students, faculty, and administrators alike. Various anonymous community members described the current material using terms and descriptions such as “coarse,” “far too shitty for what we pay to be here,” and “like sriracha-covered sandpaper for your bootyhole.”

The transition to the new rolls is rumored to start in the still unfinished $1.5 billion English department building before hitting Wharton building stalls soon thereafter. When asked about whether or not the bathroom budget includes greater tampon accessibility, the spokesman said that there are “no intentions of building more large sculptures of tampons in the near future.”