Wharton Sophomore Has No Future or Options in Options and Futures

Guess he'll have to fall back on consulting.

On Thursday morning, Richard Bond (W'20) received a much anticipated email from a major financial firm containing information that would decide not only the course of his career, but also his intrinsic worth as a human being. Much to Bond's horror and dismay, the email was not what he had hoped.

"The firm declined to offer me a job and instead offered me a scathing indictment of both my character and my professional worth," Bond told UTB. 

He was absolutely crushed. Bond had been dreaming about a vague career in financial options and futures since literally the third week of his freshman year. "Once I gained a surface-level understanding of the field, I just knew that it was my calling, my sole vocation," he explained. 

While the rejection came as a surprise, he does have a theory about what could have gone wrong. "During the interview, I tried to hide the fact that I know literally nothing about financial products and I think I did a pretty good job," he recounted. "What I think really sank me is that I made a pun."

With limited options for his future, Bond is terrified that the joke put them off from giving him a call, shorting his changes for a long career in finance. 

This was Bond's principal issue. Not only was Bond not on par with the other candidates, but wordplay is the lowest form of humor and no serious humor publication or major bank would ever except such a derivative joke. The use of the pun really demonstrated Bond's maturity, or lack thereof, causing the firm to discount Bond's abilities. 

"I should've led with a funny yet benign anecdote or a fun fact instead," he lamented.  "Not even my power stance and use of Wharton buzzwords could save me."

Sources say Bond is looking into swapping his career for another option— a swaption, if you will. "Maybe I'll go into consulting, but it just seems like that's what everyone else is doing," he complained. With a shudder he continued saying, "worst comes to worst, I'll look into some sort of non-for-profit gig out of DC."

Pale and nauseated, Bond had to take a seat and end our interview.