Five Seniors Who Are Going to Be Annoying as Fuck at Their 25th College Reunion

Jacob

Jacob’s a fine kid now, but when you see him at your 25th college reunion, you’ll wonder how you ever thought that. He’ll blab for hours about his son’s baseball team, his job re-selling bootleg Baby Einstein cassette tapes, and his new invention, a beanie baby made of fermented sewage. Could you please not, Jacob?

Shalissa

You just know Shalissa’s going to bring her antique ironing board to the 25th reunion, ask you to sing a lullabye to it, then successfully sue you for “musical assault on valued ironing board,” landing you in prison for seven months. C’mon, Shalissa. Rude AND annoying.

Balthazar

Balthazar will pester you for hours and hours, asking if you know the way to the tomb of the unrisen ghouls. He will peer through your eyes, searching for loose pieces of your soul to slurp up through the straw that is built into his elbow. He’ll also remind you of that embarrassing thing that happened to you sophomore year, which you thought everyone had forgotten by now. Not cool, buddy.

Amy

Everyone knows that Amy’s always been annoying as fuck, and she always will be.

Lars

Lars will seduce you with the smooth swagger and grey hair he’s acquired in the 25 years since you last saw him. He’ll convince you to come back to his house, which is an infant-sized hole in a termite nest. Once you’re there, Lars will slather you in his grandmother’s honey and force you to watch him read various magazines. Yuck, Lars. So annoying.