Breaking: Van Pelt Reconsidering Bag Check Policy After Discovering Bags With Multiple Pockets

Earlier today, Thursday, November 30, at 10 am, UTB was informed by the Penn administration that they would be re-structuring the Van Pelt bag check policy. This news comes just days after a senior library staffer, Elizabeth Hurwitz, discovered the concept of bags with multiple pockets.

Hurwitz discovered this concept after waking up from what must have been a twenty yearlong selective amnesia that affected her knowledge of bags.

The library bag check policy previously in place required each student to stop, open one pocket of their backpack, and have it glanced over by a security guard who had much better things to do with their time. “Whenever a security guard checks my bag, we just smile at each other,” said college senior Jack Foster. “We both know bags have many pockets, but it's kind of taboo to talk about. Today I stole five books!”

After Hurwitz realized the fatal flaw in Van Pelts security system, she rushed to other administrators to begin the process of righting their wrongs. “Here at Penn, we have a strong distaste for pointless bureaucracy and poorly thought through policies. We only push the most comprehensive programs, like putting a four-lock labyrinth in place for you to get into your room in the quad: safe! When we found out our bag check policy in Van Pelt might be flawed, we new something had to be done."

No confirmation has been given as to what the new policy will look like yet, but an anonymous source has suggested students may face full body cavity searches before exiting Van Pelt, saying the university “is going to be thorough this time around”.