"This Classroom Always Smells Weird," Says Guy Who Just Audibly Farted in Lecture

Philadelphia, PA — A mere 46 seconds after audibly farting in a quiet lecture, Daniel Crawford (E '19) shifted uncomfortably in his seat, rearranged the items on his desk, and remarked in a booming whisper to the student next to him, "Man, this classroom always smells weird." As the stench of his unsettlingly loud flatulence hung in the air all around him and dispersed into adjacent rows of the lecture hall, Crawford repeatedly coughed and kicked the rubber sole of his shoe against the seat in front of him, hoping desperately to recreate the distinct sound of his fart and persuade his classmates that it was actually his shoe all along. "I don't know what it is," he whispered again to his seatmate, "maybe it's coming from outside? The windows are usually open in here." Tortured by the realization that the odor hadn't dissipated by the end of class, Crawford remarked "Seriously, it's so gross," shaking his head in unconvincing disappointment as he left the noxious greenhouse that the auditorium had become. Sources at the scene confirmed Crawford's allegation that "it's like this every week," but pointed to Crawford himself and his food truck burrito lunch as the probable cause of the issue. Crawford could not be reached for comment, as he had sprinted directly to the bathroom upon exiting the class.