Philosophy Department Offers Tenure to Dude who "Figured It All Out" on Acid

Meet Penn’s newest professor: Kyle Stern (C ’20) has made waves in the philosophy world after discovering the meaning of life while under the influence of LSD. His insights are considered so groundbreaking, the University couldn’t pass up the chance to give him tenure.

“It’s basically just about how good it would be if we all loved each other,” Kyle said. “It’s about harmony and nature, but most of all: love.”

To achieve this groundbreaking revelation, Kyle tried acid for the first time. “We bought it from a guy named River who had long hair and no shoes,” Stern said. “The tab had a picture of Rick and Morty on it, which was cool.”

“We were going to walk around a graveyard, but then I got too scared,” Kyle said. “At one point we were staring at a fly for, like, thirty minutes. Pretty crazy.”

The psychonautic dérive concluded in a discovery that has taken the field of philosophy by storm.

“I was listening to Electric Feel by MGMT in my friend’s bedroom,” Kyle said. “All of a sudden, everything just made sense.”

“If everyone in the world loved each other, there would be no war. It would be so sick.”

Miles St. Germain is the Chair of the Department of Philosophy. “This realization challenges everything we know about ontological reality,” St. Germain said. “To do such amazing work so young is unbelievable.”

“Though his methods are unconventional, his findings challenge us to question everything we know,” he added.

Psychoactive substances play a large role in Kyle’s scholarship. “I once got really, really out of my mind on a weed brownie and discovered that you can microwave PopTarts if you don’t have a toaster,” he said.