Freshman Impresses Friends at Home by Naming the Most Brands of Alcohol

Not everyone is cool in high school. A lot of students attending elite universities in particular were once quiet and lame, but college changes people— especially Sallie Silverman (C ’21).

She has been subtly dropping hints to her friends from home about her new-found coolness. She makes sure shaky footage of crowds doused in colored LED lights populates her Snapchat stories every Friday and Saturday night. She finstas about boys she’s hooking up with, masquerading these stories as funny complaints about the guys. Most importantly, she has been letting her friends know that she drinks.

Silverman has posted bottles of Svedka on her story before, and has also complained about hang overs on her finsta. But with Thanksgiving break coming up, she has her biggest-ever opportunity to show her friends what an alcoholic a cool person she is.

Instead of studying for her upcoming calc midterm this past week, Silverman has been brushing up on the different brands of alcohol. “Franzia, Smirnoff, Jose Cuervo,” she repeats to herself in the mirror once every morning and once every night.

“This is my one chance to show all my friends that I am having the most fun in college. Now they'll think I’m super popular,” Silverman says. “Plus, I want my Princeton friends to know that Penn is the social Ivy, and that I lucked out by not getting in.”