OP-ED: Is It Just Me, or Are Grapes Really Expensive?

Hello world, it’s me. I know a lot of crazy things are going on in this beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy we puny, ephemeral beings call life. Some good, a lot kinda suckish. So, I get it. You’re probably pretty busy right now. But I need to tell you about something. Something that people are not talking about. Something I find really, really important.

That thing? It’s grapes. And how much they cost. Like, they’re weirdly expensive, am I right?

Hear me out, ladies and gentlemen. Last Wednesday at approximately 6pm, I was at the Fresh Grocer of Walnut Street. I planned to purchase one bag of red grapes (seedless, but not organic — I’m a simple fellow). I was naturally quite excited. Fruit is nature’s candy, as they say. After waiting 18 minutes to get to the self-checkout because I have crippling social anxiety and refuse to interact with a cashier, I placed the bag of grapes on the scanner.

The total? $8.91.

What the fuck? Who spends nine fucking dollars on a single bag of fucking grapes? They’re like 80% water. I could have bought, like, 700 bananas instead. Fuck grapes.