SHS Unveils New LaTeX Contraceptive For SEAS Students

In the face of turbulent healthcare laws, universities across America are making tough choices when it comes to birth control coverage. Faced with an ever tightening budget, Student Health Services must be more creative to ensure that Penn students can practice safe sex. Luckily, advances in modern science and text formatting are making it easier than ever to help students avoid having to make hard decisions. Never again will a specious allergy allow someone to weasel their way out of safe sexual practices.

In a stroke of scientific luck, the FDA has approved a series of new hormonal drugs for men and women aimed at reducing unwanted pregnancies. Unfortunately, there’s a little caveat. This experimental new drug has only been tested on people exposed to large amounts of computer radiation between the hours of 2 a.m. and 8 a.m. Those people have also preferably spent that time furiously typing haphazard and illogical proofs into Leslie Lamport’s 1985 revolutionary typesetting invention, LaTeX. Luckily, that’s where SEAS comes in.

Historically, engineering students have dedicated countless hours to mindlessly grinding away at problem sets until dawn, using LaTeX as a medium to organize the messy ramblings produced by their sleep-deprived minds. However, in a shocking turn of events, that soul crushing commitment to education can positively impact their sex lives. The drug, eponymously named LaTeX, is 97% effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies, an impressive number when compared to any other method besides the usual engineer’s 100% effective form of birth control, abstinence.

Side effects for LaTeX include unexpected enumerations, math-mode syndrome, and death.