Wow! This Student Can Locate the Natty Light in Any Grocery Store but Still Can't Find the Clitoris

Jamie Harper (W '20) may seem like any other college sophomore, but he has a natural gift—a "Natty" gift, if you will. He can spot the cases of Natural Light beer in any grocery store he enters. Blindfolded, spun around three times, and walking on his hands, Harper can and will find the crown jewel of the beverage aisle. But sadly, his sensing abilities can only extend so far. 

He is chronically unable to locate the clitoris on a woman.

"My accuracy in finding the Natty Light in stores is nearly 100%," said Harper, beaming with confidence. "The guys in the frat actually appointed me to do all the shopping for our parties because I'm so efficient. I'm the reason there's beer on the pong table. That's all me."

But female students who have engaged in sexual activity with the sophomore reveal a different side to his personality.

"It was really, really underwhelming," said a sophomore girl, who did not want to be named, referring to a sexual encounter with Harper over Halloween weekend. "He kept asking 'Is that good? How does that feel?' And I didn't feel anything."

Jen Gibbons (C '20), Harper's freshman year girlfriend, attests to his lackluster performance in bed. "Every time he went down on me," Gibbons said, "it was like he was searching for answers in all the wrong places. He was fundamentally unable to take directions. At a certain point, I just learned to moan until he got tired and convinced himself that he satisfied me."

Several other Penn students who admitted to engaging in sexual activity with Harper on condition of anonymity corroborated Harper's lack of understanding about female anatomy. One student likened having sex with Harper to "playing Chopsticks on the piano." Another said his manual stimulation technique was like "playing a painfully slow game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey." 

When asked to comment on these allegations, Harper assuredly responded, "Dude, c'mon. That's ridiculous. I know where the clitoris is." When asked to define the word "clitoris," he declined to comment and, without looking, reached for a lukewarm can of Natty Light.