Student Who Spent 3 Hours Getting Resume to Fit One More Line Claims to Not Have Time to Do Anything Political on Campus

Sources confirm that College Junior Gideon M. (W ‘19), who claims that he does not have time to do anything political on campus, spent the entirety of Tuesday evening trying to fit one more line onto his resume.

“With the constant extracurricular commitments the average Penn student has, it just shouldn’t be expected for us to be politically involved,” says Gideon, who spent the hours of 1pm to 4pm on Election Day alternating the font size on his resume between 10.5 and 10.75, “it’s just crazy what takes up my day.” The finance major, who has asked rhetorically multiple times, “when would I even have time to do any research?” has rewritten the phrase “assisted in complex financial analysis” six different ways before deciding to omit it completely from his CV.

While living in Harrison College House, an official polling place from the hours of 8am to 5pm last Tuesday, Gideon also claims that most political activities on campus are a waste of time, and that “anything we could do would be so inconsequential as to never really matter in the long run.”

The junior is adamant about his position. "Staying involved politically on campus shouldn’t be expected of any of us. All of us have more important things to do,” said Gideon, who has been to the tenth page of google results for "best font size saving space resume."

“Seriously,” he said looking up form working on a resume that will be glazed over and discarded in ten seconds by an HR employee at Morgan Stanley, “you gotta focus things that can actually make an impact.” 

“I just feel bad for those kids who are out there trying to change the country,” he concluded, “they care so much, but I just feel like ultimately they’re just turning their wheels.

Our sources confirm that Gideon has been wondering aloud for the past ten minutes if he “really needs to squeeze in his AP Spanish score.”