OP-ED: I Farted in Fisher Fine Arts Library and I'm Not Sorry

To the uptight library staff, all you nerds who love studying, and the doctor who says I have to learn how to control my body: Yes, I farted in the Fisher Fine Arts Library, and no, I’m not sorry. Not at all.

Farting is a natural function of the human body. It’s completely natural. Alright, maybe my farts are medically inexplicable abominations, but even if I ripped a completely normal one, I feel like people would have still gotten mad at me.

You can think of the smell I created as a type of smelling salt. The pungent aroma activated the brain of everyone within a one-mile radius of me. When you ace all of your finals, you have my homemade aromatherapy to thank.

And the sound it made really wasn’t so bad. My best written approximation of it is as follows: ppPPFfbrgNnnbbbpPllllSFRrrrrrrr. Not so bad, right? I found the accompanying building-shaking tremors quite pleasant as well.

In conclusion, not only did my fart in Fisher Fine Arts not cause any harm, it was actually beneficial to the people around me. Before you haters give me looks of pure disgust in the library and in lectures, you have to think about whether my actions have any real negative consequences. In one swift release of gas, I turned Fisher Fine Arts into Fisher Fine Farts.

You’re welcome.