4 Politically Correct Ways to Say "Give Me A Good Fucking Grade Please" This Holiday Season

Ok, so you tried to be that guy who somehow miraculously turns his C- into an A in the last 2 weeks of classes, but it’s not working out so well. You did the calculations, and it turns out you need an 181.34% on the Math 114 final to secure yourself an A-. Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Luckily for you, there’s a few magical phrases you can say that’ll boost your chance of getting a good grade - and of getting into med school.

1. "Hello professor, would you like to come to my apartment and engage in questionable activities that are in no way sexual in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - This one’s sure to work if you’ve been able to establish the correct “professional relationship” with your professor or TA. Bonus points if you’ve matched with them on Tinder.

2. "Hello professor, would you like to accept my gift that is definitely not a financial incentive taken from my trust fund in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - You know what they say: play to your strengths, even if they mean the ones that you inherited from your multi-millionaire parents. 

3. "Please give me a good grade in your class that I didn't really care that much about so I can get a good GPA and six-figure job right out of college." - I mean, at least you're being honest with them. You never put in effort because you didn't care about the class and the professor knows it, but honesty is the best policy! 

4. "I humbly beseecheth thine almighty pedagogical being for a more favorable outcome in thine academic symposium" - Okay, you'll probably look like an idiot if you try to say something along these lines, mainly because you 1) probably wrote all of your essays like this and deserve the bad grade that you got, and 2) aren't too sure what "symposium" means. But hey, you're never going to see your professor again, so you might as well give it a shot, right?