'You're More Than a Number:' Sobbing Professor Comforted by Friends After PCR Rating Falls Below 3.5

Even in undergrad, people knew Henry Glocksen was going places. As a tenured professor at Penn, Glocksen revolutionized his highly esoteric subfield of mathematics and won a series of awards for exceptional teaching ability.

But it seems that was all for nothing.

Last Saturday, Glocksen learned that he’d lost the most important distinction that a distinguished professor can obtain: a Penn Course Review teacher quality rating exceeding 3.5.

“I was in shock,” Glocksen sobbed to us, “Thirty years in the field and now everything’s just... ruined. How can I even face my students?”

The disgraced professor’s colleagues tried to reassure him.

“I told him that he was so much more than a number,” noted professor Andrea Zhong, “but… I can’t deny that having a 3.9 has helped me a lot. I get my pick of the best students, my TAs respect me more… It’s a lot less stress. I feel bad for him, but I know he’ll do just fine.”

We checked in with Shane Grasson, the student whose PCR evaluation pushed Glocksen below a 3.5.

“Oh, him?” Grasson scoffed, “never actually met the guy. But he only gave me, like, an 80% for participation, and who even takes that seriously? So yeah, zero out of four.”