6 New Year's Resolutions That Scream 'I Feel Like I've Stagnated and Can No Longer Achieve Meaningful Personal Growth At Penn'

It's January 1st, you're outwardly excited for the New Year and thrilled to set out some fresh goals to prove to everyone else that you're a person who's constantly evolving. Unfortunately, no one's buying the illusion of growth that you're putting forward. If you've got any of these New Year's Resolutions, I sincerely apologize for blowing up your spot.

1. Meet a new person every day!

Desperate to break out of the cycle of familiar faces you encounter as you sleepwalk through the day, you vow to open up and try to talk to a new stranger daily. Things started off well until Day 4, when you met a dude who insisted on showing you his personal juul collection. I wouldn’t bet on this one lasting longer than another week.

2. Learn a language!

Since you took Latin as a language elective to get into Penn, your knowledge of foreign languages is shoddy at best. You’ve decided to see if something like Duolingo will give you the info required to speak the native tongue of the country you’re planning to emigrate to after seeing your friend's study abroad photos.

3. Live, laugh, love! 

Despite your knack for alliteration, you don’t see much hope left in waiting for the emotional maturity that you’ve had since high school to start magically changing on its own. Finding the right balance of laughing and living is particularly rough, some people who pursue this resolution asphyxiate from forgetting to live while chuckling too hard.

4. Explore other classes!

You're 10 credits into a degree that promises a lucrative starting salary and yet you feel no closer to being the type of person that Grandma would be proud of. At least you can try picking up a few easy As!

5. Backpack across Europe!

In a last ditch effort to convert dollar bills into fulfillment you map out one final quest: to live out your own personal Odyssey across the Mediterranean. Unfortunately, Odysseus didn’t really change as a person after his journey, and neither will you.

6. Build a yurt in the wildness and begin your life as a hermit!

You’ve transcended all of those other lame resolutions and you’re living the dream now, bud— how could you grow any more as a person?!