PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet

After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.

“Haters” drove Johnson to go though the examination after concerns about her stability. “She started saying things that just didn’t make sense,” said Johnson’s roommate—former best-friend and now full-time hater— Rachel Greenwalt (W '20). “Just the other day she told me the best day to get lit was objectively a Tuesday before a math exam. I don’t think she even knows what she’s saying! Like, I would get it if she were talking about a Wednesday before a math exam, at least.”

Johnson’s primary physician, Dr. May Jacobs, shared that Johnson was a healthy young woman but, along with concerns surrounding diet and exercise, noted that her reference points in almost every conversation were the Kardashians. “It almost seemed like Abby grew up in a hole in the ground, and in that hole she was protected from all cultural and political touchstones except for the Kardashians. Her brain is working; it’s just filled exclusively with facts on the Kardashians.”

When asked about her feelings on the results, Greenwalt told UTB reporters that, although their may be some validity to the medical examination, she still would not trust her roommate with any leadership positions, as “she’s kind of a racist.”