Report: 75% of University City Chick-Fil-A's Profits Come From Rush

According to a shocking statement released yesterday, 75% of the University City Chick-fil-A’s profits in January of 2018 came from Penn fraternity rush events.

Manager Nelson Manginelli said he was not surprised to hear the statistic. “I’m surprised it wasn’t higher, honestly,” he said.

“Most of the year, we get a fair amount of business. Some Drexel kids like to come to Chick-fil-A, and this guy named Markelle seems to really enjoy eating here,” Manginelli continued. “But then every January, a swarm of these nerdy boys who try to act cool just order massive amounts of stuff. I found out recently it’s for some type of Greek thing. A cultural show maybe? Not sure.”

This "Greek thing" is Penn’s beloved open rush, in which fraternity brothers spend two hours making small talk and bribing freshman with food. Though the food fraternities serve varies, there is one constant: there will always be plenty of Chick-fil-A sandwiches and nuggets for insecure freshman boys to eat.

Chick-fil-A says it plans to use its new sales information to influence other universities. CEO Dan Cathy said Chick-fil-A is planning to undergo a massive shift from typical fast food restaurant to one geared solely on the business of fraternities partaking in rush.

“The numbers show that the most profitable time of our year is during fraternities’ open rush,” Cathy said. “Therefore, we are going to start an aggressive plan to lobby universities to spread their rush periods out through the year for a steady revenue flow, and we will influence legislation to make chicken sandwiches the only legal food to serve at rush.”

“By the way, we still don’t want no gay people eating here,” Cathy added.