Interfraternity Council Partners with Tulane to Bring Some Dope New Types of Hazing to Penn

In a long-awaited move, Penn’s Interfraternity Council has taken its first steps to ramping up Penn’s lame hazing scene by consulting with Tulane University, an institution nationally respected for its dope ass hazing.

IFC President Bentley Friedman said he was “thrilled” to announce the new partnership. “We have heard from a number of Penn fraternity members who have wanted to improve their hazing. We think our brothers from Tulane will be able to help them do just that,” he said.

Friedman pointed to insufficient humiliation and pain, as well as general softness, as reasons for why Penn’s fraternity hazing needs improvement.

Wharton junior and fraternity brother Ronald Dunst said he agreed that Penn needed some help with its hazing. “Lately, our pledges have showed only moderate signs of permanent trauma after being initiated,” he said. “We want that number to go way up.”

Tulane was an obvious choice for the IFC. “We are fortunate to have the absolute illest hazing around, and we feel like we should be sharing that gift,” Tulane IFC President Peter Ashbury said.

“We’ve even loaned some of our materials to Penn. Some bats, clubs, cattle prods, cement, cyanide—you know the deal,” he said.

“I thank the brothers of Tulane frats for their help,” Penn President Amy Gutmann said. “Those boys seriously have some bomb hazing up their sleeves, and mad respect to them for imparting some of it onto us.”