Fake Quad Missile UPennAlert Sent Out, No One Cares

Last Friday morning, the unthinkable happened. Claire Bradley (E '21) was walking down Spruce Street on her way home after class when her phone lit up with words no one ever hopes to see.

“BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO QUAD. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”

Like any other Penn student would do, she rolled her eyes and walked it off.

Other freshmen in the vicinity were spotted laughing momentarily before continuing on to their morning classes.

It was ultimately discovered that an anonymous meddler had hacked the UPennAlert system and sent the message as a social experiment. The hacker's hypothesis was proven right: Penn students and faculty no longer take these alerts seriously.

“We’re just so desensitized to threats on campus nowadays. I saw two guys respectfully arguing over the last Boston Kreme donut, and what do you know: five minutes later I see ‘ASSAULT AT DUNKIN DONUTS, PLEASE AVOID AREA,’” the hacker, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us.

This is not the first time UPennAlerts have been criticized for bordering on absurdity. Just last fall, a man with no arms was charged with unarmed robbery at CVS. 

We asked Bradley to share her thoughts about the situation. “To be fair, I had an 8 am recitation to go to the next morning. The missile might as well have been real,” she complained.

The hacker, like many others, believes that one day an alert may indeed not be a drill. Better be safe than sorry.