Sad: This Student Uses the Phrase 'High School Friends' to Describe His Mother

In a stunning turn of events, current friends of College sophomore Paul Nowicki have discovered that every time their friend mentioned his ‘high school friends,’ he was in fact talking about his mother.

They grew suspicious when, though he constantly mentioned playing backgammon, playing video games, and graffiting elementary schools with friends from high school, they could find no evidence of him having a single friend from high school.

After hiring a private investigator to track Nowicki over winter break, this group of friends proved what they had started to suspect: All Nowicki’s stories about his friends from high school were in fact about his mother.

His "hometown kidz" group chat? Texts to his mom. Those pickup basketball sessions with his boys? Actually, just him playing his mother in a game of one-on-one. That time he went on the road trip with some of his best high school buds? Just a nice mother-son vacation. That time he and his crew from high school tried meth? In fact, just Nowicki experimenting under the careful watch of his matriarch.

Though Nowicki’s friends said they respected his (strangely) close relationship with his mother, they were disappointed to find out that their friend had been lying to him for so long.

Nowicki defended his actions, saying, “I wasn’t lying at all. My mother was my friend during high school. My best friend. My only friend. I know most people are with their high school friends when they do meth for the first time, but I think people should respect that I chose to share that special moment with my mother."