OP-ED: I Won't Eat Tide Pods, Because My Fucking Roommate Jeff Used All of Them

We’ve all heard of this new trend, right? People being dared to put Tide pods in their mouth and ending up with severe poisoning. Despite all the precautions that have been put out there, idiots across the world continue to eat these colorful balls of poisonous, deadly detergent. I for one, refuse to partake in this trend… but not for the reasons you might think.

For the past three weeks, my apartment has been severely lacking in Tide Pods. Even if I wanted to eat them, I couldn’t, because there are literally none in my apartment. Why, you ask? Well, because of the absurd laundry habits of my fucking roommate, Jeff.

Jeff, the guy who wears the same outfit every day and consistently has an overflowing laundry hamper, can somehow be seen washing his clothes about five times per week. It’s gotten to the point where the only conversations I have with him anymore revolve around the topic of laundry. Sometimes, I feel like he washes clean clothes purely out of boredom. Yesterday, he decided to skip his 9am to do laundry.

Despite the fact that Jeff hasn’t even accepted my Venmo request for the Tide Pods, he somehow managed to singlehandedly consume an entire container in 2 weeks. Is he addicted to doing laundry? Maybe. Is he a complete asshole? Absolutely.

Now, would I choose to eat Tide Pods? Probably not. But would I appreciate the OPPORTUNITY to eat them if I wanted to? Yes, yes I would.

Look, I participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge because I had easy access to ice water and a big bucket. I participated in the Harlem Shake because I had easy access to a lot of douchey friends who thought they were cool. Now, I would like the same ability to participate in the Tide Pod challenge, just like everyone else.