OP-ED: If the Penn Bubble Really Exists, Then Why Is It So Cold?

I’m from Los Angeles where it is always 75 degrees and sunny and we all sit around the pool with an IV full of almond milk made from wild-caught, humanely raised, free-range almonds and wait to be cryogenically preserved at age 25.

When it came time for college applications, I knew I wanted a place with warm weather and rigorous academics and once I got rejected from Stanford I knew that Penn was the right choice for me.

I had heard Penn students talk about “The Penn Bubble,” stretching from 34th to 40th and Walnut to Spruce, time and time again. I eventually came to the conclusion that this infamous bubble was a massive, insulated dome covering campus, an ingenious way to protect Penn from the harsh temperatures of the East coast.

But then it hit below twenty degrees, so now someone has some explaining to do.

At first I assumed the unregulated temperatures had to do with calibrating the bubble to the changing outer climate, like when they turn off the air conditioners in the quad and it’s either 70 degrees or the temperature and humidity of an NSO backlot darty. But then it was 60 degrees, then 50 degrees, then 40 degrees…almost like it was winter? I don’t know; I can’t explain it.

Is no one else concerned that the Penn Bubble clearly isn’t working? Smart people go to this school; why hasn’t anything been done? Maybe we should consider spending less money on building on-campus housing and more money on some goddamn functional insulation on our giant, invisible bubble?

Some people have tried to suggest that I may be interpreting this whole thing wrong, but unless there was a giant, physical barrier, why would the student body never venture past 40th Street? Now that’s just ridiculous.