SHS Reports Removing Mic from Stand During A Cappella Show #1 Reason for Pregnancies at Penn

Student Health Services, in its annual report of health and sexuality trends at Penn, has announced the leading cause of pregnancy among the Penn student body: removing the microphone from the mic stand during an a cappella show.

“We have found that winking, pointing, and, most evidently, silently removing the mic from the mic stand during an a cappella performance is considered highly likely to cause pregnancies among the audience and sometimes even fellow members of the group,” reads the report. “We recommend using and wearing protection if engaging in such risky behaviors.”

The reported listed additional high-risk behaviors, including showing everyone a sensitive side underneath a “too cool” exterior, hair flipping, and unironically liking John Mayer.

“If one is to engage in such risky behavior, be prepared to deal with the consequences,” the report warns.

SHS has revealed an awareness campaign, releasing thousands of “Before You Remove the Mic, Make Sure the Time is Right” Posters for Quad and general campus use. “We’re generally focusing on the arts community,” said SHS Student Coordinator Cindy Blackwell, “but the general population all needs to be aware of the risks of smoothly taking out the mic to walk around the stage during a solo.”

The report concludes with recommending the most traditionally effective modes of birth control: slacklining, boat shoes, and Penn Engineering.