REPORT: Congress Accomplished Slightly More Than Penn’s UA in 2017

A true battle for the ages.

Two of the most impactful and productive institutions of our generation have been pitted against one another in a landmark study organized by the Pew Institute. This study used advanced statistical tools to compare the quantitative and qualitative impact of the United States Congress and the Penn Undergraduate Assembly.

“The results of the study were unbelievably close - almost within the margin of error,” reports Stuart Ross, lead reporter on this study. “In the end, however, the government shutdown was not enough to prevent Congress from narrowly coming out on top.”

Despite the fact that members of the UA spent almost double the amount of time, effort, and resources on campaigning efforts than members of Congress, they were shown to have a marginally smaller overall impact.

“It all comes down to what we did versus what we set out to do,” remarks Speaker Paul Ryan when asked about Congress’ accomplishments over the past year. “We planned to screw around and ruin the country and we were successful in this endeavor.”

Unfortunately, Penn’s UA cannot say the same thing about its initial goals. While the UA initially embarked on promises to alleviate stress on campus, remove all mental health issues, cure AIDS, and solve the opioid epidemic, the closest they came was allowing double-sided printing at some printers in Huntsman.

The study also examined quantitative impact in terms of projects completed. “While the UA’s unveiling of two water fountains in Williams was impressive, Congress’ addition of three water fountains in the Capitol Building was narrowly more remarkable,” remarked Ross.

Hopefully now that the government is shut down for some time, the UA can try to organize some quick initiatives to compete with Congress. Before they know it, they may even fall behind the revolutionary Nutella parties and shirt giveaways organized by Class Board.