OP-ED: My Boyfriend's a Drummer, So I'm Not Worried About Using the Rhythm Method

It’s true what they say about musicians. My little drummer boy knows how to bang bang bang. The best part? We get to do it unprotected thanks to a little something called the rhythm method. 

Look, I know this is hard to hear. You were already jealous because my bae has played in two different Penn Records shows and your boy…? Well, he missed voice auditions to buy you Plan B. I can’t help the way my man moves, though. I’m a complex and spontaneous woman. I need a real music man to feel the rhythm of my body, and I finally found one up to the challenge.

He has the entire thing down to a science. It’s gotten to the point where my body craves him so much that I stopped getting my period so I can have him any time. You have a condom and Auntie Flo between you and your man? Shame. While your boy grew up in New York and learned about classical music and IUDs, my man was in Texas learning rock and abstinence. He’s a total sex machine. My roommates don’t even mind the noise. After all, not everyone can bang the bed against the wall in a perfect 4/4 double paradiddle. It’s literally music to their ears. My advice to you? Ditch your singer and get yourself a real musician—one who needs to use his hands to play.