New CAPS Subdivision Just Screams 'Don't Apply' At Visiting High Schoolers

Penn’s administration has suffered relentless criticism for its inadequate mental health policies. But that’s all set to change this month with the unveiling of a revolutionary new CAPS subdivision.

Project NOOOOOOOO (acronym pending) is a student led initiative that intends to attack the problem of “Penn Face” at its root. A small group of CAPS workers will now be trained to scream "Don't apply!" as a fair warning to potential future Penn students.

“You can’t have Penn Face if you’re not at Penn,” noted the project’s leader, Kevin Sengar (N ’21), desperately trying and failing to press a finger against his temple at just the right angle. “If we can scare away those poor innocent high schoolers, we’ve done our job.”

But the project might not be working as intended.

“Honestly, I’m even more hyped to go here,” noted one slightly dazed high schooler. “I was getting kinda bored with with them trying to convince me that people actually toss toast on the football field. But then a couple of students came up and started screaming incoherently at us about how we needed to get out of here as fast as possible. Now THAT’S what I call a cool tradition.”

Oh, well. At least someone's happy.