Frat Pledges Unionize for Better Health Benefits

When you want something, ask for it. If you don’t get it, demand it angrily. If that still doesn’t work either, form a union! Pledges at Penn have heeded this advice, uniting over obscure forms of hazing in order to get something they desperately need: better health benefits.

Alpha Beta Gamma pledge Chad “Brad” Johnson (C ’21) weighed in.

“Listen, as a group who make up 86% of weekend MERT cases, we pledges deserve some degree of funding in exchange for keeping that organization alive. A soft, tender touch would work too. I haven’t felt any sort of emotional or physical intimacy since winter break,” said Johnson.

“When we’re funneling liquids into various orifices or permanently scarring our bodies, we want to know that the weekly calls to our pals at MERT won't result in $2000 fees. The fees with hugs included would be fine, too. I miss the human connection,” continued Johnson.

At press time, Johnson, his soon-to-be brothers, and other pledges across campus were protesting on College Green, holding signs reading, “We Drink, We Sink, We Hurt, We MERT” and “Please Smile at Us.”