I'm Not Crying. It's Just a Combination of Allergies, Something in My Eye, and the Wind Forcibly Pulling Tears Out of My Body

Crying? Me? No! I’m not crying. I mean, yes, there are tears in my eyes, but I’m definitely not sad. Sadness doesn’t happen at Penn, especially not right after Jeff breaks up with you at the table in the back of Saxby’s.

See the reason there are tears in my eyes is that, walking back from Saxby’s (in a great mood, mind you), the wind was so strong it blew a bunch of that snow salt in my eye. Do you know how much that stings? My tear ducts started having to work overtime to wash that toxicity out, and not because Jeff ripped my heart out while drinking a groothie.

Why are the tears still pouring out? Have you ever heard of something called winter allergies? The real killer isn’t pollen—it’s the constant smell of pine needles. And let me tell you, Saxby’s today was especially in the Christmas spirit.

Also, the killer winds themselves wrung me out like a wet rag. Listen, I really tried to not cry walking down Locust, but once I hit that wind tunnel, I didn’t stand a chance. The fact that I was listening to Toni Braxton’s “Un-Break My Heart” wasn’t so much the reason for me crying, as the intense cyclone ripping the liquid from my eyeballs.

The weather just has it out for me, I guess. 

"Sadness doesn’t happen at Penn, especially not right after Jeff breaks up with you at the table in the back of Saxby’s."