'I’m so Excited to Witness History' Says Sophomore Fully Planning on Blacking Out at Parade

On Thursday morning, Philadelphia will be abuzz in a way the city has never seen before. After 13 years since their last shot at the title, the Philadelphia Eagles have won the Super Bowl for the first time in the team's history. And following immense pressure from the student body, University of Pennsylvania president Amy Gutmann announced to the school on Tuesday that university operations would recess during the parade. Many students were excited for the day's festivities, but none more than Jess Pearson—who was both "excited to witness history" and also prepping to black out at the parade.

Pearson (C '20) had struggled over her first year at Penn to feel a part of the larger Philadelphia community. "When Gutmann announced the suspension I was so excited," said Pearson outside her HamCo apartment. “I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with my neighbors and community members and and take a moment to just feel the pride of the city.” Pearson is also prepping to throw up a shit ton of green Jell-o shots while standing shoulder to shoulder with a middle aged Eagles Fan screaming “Fuck Brady” directly into her ear.

Other students are similarly excited to feel a connection to their new home. Michael Levine (W '21) was excited that the school was finally giving students an opportunity to embrace being Philadelphians. “We never get a moment like this," he told UTB. "The day off for the parade, to me, symbolizes, and I mean this honestly, the first genuine effort by the Penn administration to foster engagement between students and greater Philadelphia community." 

After some reflection, he admitted, "Okay, sure, there are service clubs and shit, but I’m always so busy. And I guess there was MLK day, and I did get an email about engagement opportunities then, but I saw the email at the last second. I never check my email! And I guess I could also just get dinner with some of my friends on 43^rd street or something, but West Philly is like totally sketchy, so I don't know.“

Update: UTB reporters found Pearson passed out in her Eagles gear on the curb of Broad Street and found Levine nearby, fully naked, raging on top of a septa awning. Both had reported high levels of engagement with their “new family” prior to complete and total blackout.